Confessions of a Spiritual Refugee


Somehow, I  managed to survive and actually recover from my Catholic and cultural conditioning and, although my clothes have been ripped off and I live like a naked spiritual refugee, I can safely say that having the lies torn from my bleeding flesh is far better than living with them.  That’s because the stupidest butterfly is eons ahead of the smartest caterpillar. Even a retarded butterfly knows how to fly and even a spiritual outcast like myself knows how to cultivate Life under all conditions.

That’s because when all the minor conditions have been incinerated, only the major Condition remains.

The minor conditions are the objects of perception, thoughts and ideas about body, mind and self. The major Condition, the Condition of all conditions, is That Which is Aware of all conditions, perceptions and objects.

To the Condition, conditions appear and disappear, but it is not changed, like a mirror that is not changed by what it reflects, or a screen that is not affected by the images appearing on it.

The shift from identifying with an image to identifying with the screen is bloody, chaotic, confusing and destructive of all false narratives. It is hot and painful and the dungeons full of rotting monsters and demons fling their gates wide open. I found myself feeding the hungry demons and finding places for the monsters to sleep. Some of them became my friends and allies after I pulled their broken teeth and stitched up the gashes in their flesh. Others moved on to other lands and I hear they tell tall tales of some dude who actually loved them and cared about them, which no one could believe.

My point is this: painful, ugly truth is much better than beautiful lies.

You have been lied to and worse, much worse, you believed them. You didn’t know any better. If your mother gives you a glass of milk, you drink it without question because it comes from a trusted source. The problem for us humans is that we trust sources that don’t deserve it.

For example, how do you know that you were born into Original Sin? Because the Bible says so and you trust the Bible.

How do you know that viruses cause disease? Because you trust the scientists and doctors who say so.

But, do you know for sure? Is there a test that we can do to determine if indeed we were born in Sin? Is there a test to prove that the presence of a microbe in the body of a sick person caused the disease? Does correlation prove causation? No. Nor does assumption equal proof.

The way to live an authentic life that is free from the swarms of bats that constantly fly into your heart and soul is to become the Sky, to see that you have always been the Sky, you just thought you were a bat.

The water in a pitcher thinks its a pitcher. The water in a bucket thinks its a bucket. No, it’s still water, no matter what the shape.

Water can be liquid, solid or gaseous but it’s always H2O.

You can be Tom, Nancy or Fido the fucking dog, but it’s always Awareness.

Awareness is infinite, without dimension, not located in space or time.

You are that. The proof is that Awareness is always your first experience and that only it can enable perception. No awareness, no perception. No perception, no experience. No experience, no Now.

Awareness and Now are identical. The proof is that wherever you go its always Here and no matter what time it is, it’s always Now.

You can’t get away from yourself. You’re always Here and Now.

This means that you are bigger than and prior to all phenomena, states, conditions and perceptions, all ideas, images, beliefs, and thoughts.

You can’t achieve this, you are this. The religions want you to seek this because they know you will never find it. You can’t find it because it’s not lost. It’s not lost because it’s the only Reality that Exists.

Yes, only Awareness exists and you’re it. Every so- called other shares your infinite being. You are like an infinite Ocean in which everything floats and swims. You are not born and you do not die. The playful forms and organisms are born and die, but the Radiant Living Awareness that circulates between their cycles of birth and death, doesn’t.

You will not end when your body ends. You will see then and you can also see now, that this is true. Awareness is true, absolutely true, the Screen upon which all phenomena appear.

So relax and enjoy the show. After all, you wrote it, directed it, starred in it. You also built the theater and the audience in the Auditorium of the Heart.

The practical take away is this: every idea you ever had about yourself is wrong because you are not an idea, a thing. You are the Awareness of the idea.

When this becomes obvious to you, the cultural and religious conditioning starts to crack and melt. It’s the chrysalis and you’re the butterfly. The butterfly has to struggle through a tiny hole to get out of the chrysalis. It takes hours. As she squeezes through the pinhole, her wet body is cleaned and dried. If you try to help her and widen the hole with your pocket knife, she will get out faster, but she will die because the water that was not squeezed out is too heavy for her delicate body to carry.

Think about that the next time your petty preference are not met or you find yourself in a swamp at midnight. It is this kind of adversity and the courage it takes to face it that produces butterflies and mature adults.

As our precious human family enters the next gruesome phase of medical techno-fascism and the rise of the bio-security state, you can be sure that the only ones who survive will be the ones who comprehended and transcended the false narratives that have been stuffed down our throats and up our asses for millennia..

We colluded with them and went along with their bullshit. Those days are over.

With love,


Marblemount, WA, USA

e-mail address

cell phone 360-393-5663


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