BY LAURA MATSUE
We are all familiar with the toxic masculine, I’m sure. There has been a hell of a lot of attention drawn to it lately with fourth wave feminism shining its light on the depth of sexual harassment and violence that women still receive in spite of how much ‘social progress’ we claim to have made. With the whole #metoo movement of the last couple of years, we have seen how the toxic masculine has wreaked havoc on this earth with its quest for power over others and willingness to abuse and use others to gain that power — at all costs.
But anyone who does true spiritual “work” on themselves will eventually discover is that you can’t have one side of your internal/external masculine/feminine nature being imbalanced without throwing off the other side.Therefore, the toxic masculine cannot exist without the toxic feminine, just like a victim cannot live without a perpetrator.
Many women these days who identify themselves as feminists are not really interested in social progress for women as much as they are interested in seeking revenge on and gaining power over whatever they deem as “the patriarchy”. Their ‘feminism’ then becomes the perfect mask for them to achieve this revenge without having to reflect upon and process their own pain. I am not saying that external action against the injustices of the world isn’t necessary, but that external action guided by an illness which seeks to hurt other people so that it doesn’t have to grieve itself is only going to cause more pain — for both parties. We need to look within, first and foremost, to the toxic patterns within our own nature before we point the finger.
In spiritual groups, the toxic feminine shows up in many covert disguises. It can show up as a woman who identifies herself with names like “goddess”, when in fact, she is using this title as a very sophisticated disguise, which again serves as a mask for the toxic feminine nature that is secretly driving the wheel. Many people who claim “divine feminine” or “divine masculine” as titles within these spiritual “scenes” create an image of what this concept looks like and then emulate it by creating a false ‘spiritual persona’ to play with — and woman have written the script on how to create, mimic, and use this ‘divine goddess’ title as their new avatar.
The funny thing is that I consider myself as I am writing this to be driven by ‘feminist’ goals, though I would never call myself one… because I know what brands itself as feminism today is an overly politically correct “NPC” culture which polices others for what they can and cannot say, branding any alternative opinions as ‘hate-speech’ or ‘sexist’.
Instead, I will just state that what I want more than anything is to see women fully in their power and thriving in their full potential – however, I have a different vision regarding this than the one that I currently see in popular culture. I want the feminine in men and woman to shine in a way that she hasn’t for thousands of years.This means that I am also not telling anyone what to do, I am merely making statements inspired on my own experiences.I don’t see the feminine becoming empowered by participating in a novel demonstration like writing “slut” on her half-naked body and walking down the streets as an act of protest against the patriarchy, or dressing up as a butterfly and declaring herself a Queen at a Spiritual Festival. I see these as statements, not as destinations; stages which are demonstrations of where the collective feminine is at in regards to her expression of her experience.
I believe the ultimate expression of female empowerment is beyond all appearances and can be expressed by, but is also not definedby appearances. I also believe the “end game” to empowerment is to find true eternal power – a power (which, if it is authentic) will have zero desire for seeking revenge and gaining control over others for She is an internal state of strength; a strength that knows vulnerability, empathy, and how to speak up for truth because she is grounded in LOVE.
I believe that in order to get to where we are going first, we have to see where we are at. We have to address toxic masculinity AND toxic femininity and how it manifests on a collective level.
In order to do this, I have gathered some key traits that I find very much define the toxic feminine. I can admit that we all have or have experienced some of these traits and are surrounded by them within and without, so be patient if you notice this in yourself or others. This is a collective wound that manifests in many of our lives in a myriad of ways and one which we should have compassion for – in ourselves, as well as for in other people. But this does not mean “blind compassion” where we choose to ignore our shadow – rather, true compassion that chooses to see these shadows and use them as further catalysts for even more profound healing.
TRAITS OF TOXIC FEMININE
~ An excessive sense of self-importance.Loves any symbol of status or what will feed her ego, whether it manifests as a Ph.D., likes and followers on social media, or anything that feeds into her feeling ‘above’ other people. This woman often will often call herself a ‘boss-lady’ ‘diva’ ‘goddess’ ‘princess’ ‘queen’ ‘priestess’ ‘witch’… the titles she assigns herself (so that people will treat her as such) go on and on. She claims these titles often superficially and uses them as another accessory to a false identity and will dress her image appropriately. This is much different from the self-empowered woman who can own what they’re good at and are proud of being good at what they do — but this is specifically about when she claims these titles so that she can place herself above others. She does this because she is driven by an insecurity wherein she is terrified of being seen as a “normal” or dare I say “average” human being. Her intention with these titles is to create a hierarchy — but, more specifically, a hierarchy where she places herself in the highest rank.
~ Uses sexuality to gain attention and feeds off the admiration of others.Has no issue with using her body and physical appearance to create vital urges in other people to disarm them or distract them. Seduces people to get their ‘attention.’ Sees no issue with doing this, even if it attracts unwanted attention, and often dresses it up as being ‘empowered’ in her sexuality, but her true nature is driven by deep-seated insecurity. Often she posts a lot of selfies and/or photos of herself in general (nothing is wrong with posting photos of oneself either, but it is the INTENTIONbehind them that makes this distinction). She uses her sexuality for money/power/fame/attention quite blatantly and doesn’t see any issue with it for she is merely playing by “the rules of the game” of her matrix programming; which sees the female body as a marketing commodity rather than a sacred form. The forces* that act through her feed off the attention she gets, yet no amount of attention will ever be enough to fill the emptiness she feels inside. She may also conversely, draw people in with this sexuality but then whenever she gets this attention she ‘complains’ about it, though she is the one who is calling the focus in towards her to begin with. This is just a covert power play to create friction through creating desire and then condoning the results of the created desire, conflict that these occult forces also feed off of.
“Young women have vast sexual power. Everyone who is being honest with themselves knows this: Women in their sexual prime who are anywhere near the beauty-norms for their culture have a kind of power that nobody else has. They are also all but certain to lack the wisdom to manage it. Toxic femininity is an abuse of that power, in which hotness is maximized, and victim status is then claimed when straight men don’t treat them as peers.
The amplification of hotness is not, in and of itself, toxic… Hotness fades, wisdom grows— wise young women will invest accordingly. Femininity becomes toxic when it cries foul, chastising men for responding to a provocative display.”
Heather E Heying
~ Is hungry for power – meaning, power for herself which she understands as having power over others.Will step on other people to get what she wants. Is mostly interested in developing relationships with people she feels can “serve” her in some way. Can recognize true power in other people and seeks to befriend and manipulate these people especially. Extremely shallow, puts a lot of attention into her appearance and cares about herself and others Social Klout. Wants to be seen by and surrounds herself with people she finds will make her more ‘popular’. Social climber extraordinaire.Can also ‘love bomb’ others with compliments and attention to try and appeal to their ego so they’ll like her. Will use whatever mask she thinks is appropriate to get close to those that she feels can further her quest for power.
~ Competition over collaboration. In a secret competition with other women, and sometimes with men. Mostly knows her value in her comparisons to others (an activity she often engages in secretly). Cannot truly celebrate the achievements of others and instead strategizes a way in which she can gain the same thing. Cannot truly co-create with anyone. Try to ‘collaborate’ with her, and she will quickly take the reigns. Wants to take credit for things that are not even hers. Will also directly plagiarize others work and call it her own with no remorse. Will usually deny this and even gaslight others if she is confronted.
~ Puts herself into victim/blame traps.Will even draw people in with sad stories about her life so that they feel ‘sorry’ for her and she can use their empathy to her advantage. Will blame others for the things that she experiences and rarely takes responsibility for the consequences of her life unless it’s to make herself “look good”. For example, if she is rejected, she will blame the man for being ‘emotionally unavailable’ (this may even be true, but it’s the lack of self-responsibilityof her part in what got her into the situation that is key). When an unwanted situation happens to her, she is often quite unwilling to face how she might also be responsible for its occurrence, for this would take humility that she does not have. In toxic feminism, this victim/blame trap often manifests as blaming men or the patriarchy for almost every problem.
~ Extremely manipulative, psychologically, emotionally, and on some levels, even spiritually.By nature, this is the hardest to spot unless you are very psychologically perceptive or very energetically sensitive. Manipulative women can present the perfect mask, even presenting themselves as caring, loving, and empathic, because they know that these are the “desired” feminine traits. This is how the toxic feminine has gotten extremely sophisticated in her techniques. Yet, there will be an insincerity behind her words. Even though the words may seem friendly, something will feel inauthentic. At higher levels, manipulative women in their toxic feminine can also be great at magick – they can even understand some fundamental laws of reality, especially in how to use sexual energy to attract and bring in more power. If this is the case, she is indeed not afraid of the consequences of her actions and in fact relishes in using magic, her sexual energy, or anything else she can use with ritual and meditation to attract more money/attention/power/love – to serve herself.
“Toxic femininity is when women use their gender to obtain certain privileges. It is when noxious, indirect modes of confrontation are masked with gentleness… This kind of aggression is often difficult to call out since it is operates under the cover of sweet smiles and friendly greetings.” Asavari Singh
~ Creates drama and feeds off the attention.Takes a small occurrence and turns it into something much more significant. Often creates drama out of perceived ‘slights’ as a way of avoiding facing the pain of the experience. Creates drama so she can actually feel something from inflicting pain on others. Creates drama to avoid taking responsibility for things in her life.The hostile occult forces* that act through her using her toxic feminine energy as a “way in” then feed off the drama in what she creates in the lives around her. This is because the toxic feminine is primarily a reptilian trait – one that is driven by deep seeded fear.
~ Low sensitivity to the needs of others and little ability to experience empathy.This one is also hard to spot because many women in their toxic feminine have also learned to mimic empathy to keep themselves disguised.They have also learned this as a survival trait, discovering that the more emotionally entangled you can get someone to you, the more that they think that you care about them, the more power you’ll have over them. This is how she sociopathically ‘mimics’ behaviours of empathy. Yet, there will be giveaways: for example, true empathy is being able to consider the feelings of others involved. However, the toxic feminine will repeatedly hurt the people she claims to care about through her self-serving behaviours.She will then deny she did anything wrong or blame someone else for what happened. This is because you can fake empathy through external actions but a self-serving person cannot fake consideration for other people’s feelings. By nature, they do not consider other people’s feelings before themselves, and if they do consider other’s feelings, it’s merely done as a strategy to exploit their weaknesses.
“Thing is, men and women are part of the same species. It’s just that we’ve been conditioned differently and so our gendered pathologies are different. Men have long had a physical and social advantage, allowing them to aggress more forcefully and openly. Women have been deeply and systematically oppressed so they have had to hone their skills in subtler but also devastating forms of warfare.” Asavari Singh
~ Women entirely in their toxic feminine cannot truly experience compassion for other people and their shortcomings and shadows.Any time another person shares their wounded self with her she often just uses it as an opportunity to place herself above the person and might even throw in shallow attempts to “fix” the issue for them (so that they’ll “need” her), or she expresses “sympathy” (trying to emulate compassion). Compassion is foreign to her because if she knew how to practice it, she would have to experience empathy for herself first and face and accept the wounds she goes so far to protect – which would open the door for her to heal her pain.
How do I know all these traits? While I’ve felt the most betrayed by experiencing these traits from women who were close to me, I’ve also encountered many at these traits within myself.I have played the priestess, the prostitute, the b*tch, and the princess who played off being the victim. These names are all archetypes that lie in the subconscious of women’s psyches, and while I relate to them through story and experience – I also have chosen not to identify myself with them either. I am speaking out about it because I am inviting my own and other women’s shadows to be seen in the light of awareness. I not only see this wound, but I embrace it as a catalyst to bring a more complete healing to the fragmented feminine.
When I was wounded, insecure, disconnected from myself and traumatized – I used the toxic feminine to grasp for power in a world that I felt powerless within.
When I chronically played the victim of life, I made it so that others had to ‘rescue’ me. I did this to avoid taking responsibility for my actions. Many men willingly played the part, and this secretly made me feel I had power over them. Their egos then felt “good” for “saving” me, and I felt “good” because I dodged dealing with my issues.
When I walked right into situations where I was sexually used or abused, I was acting out my toxic feminine. I was using my sexuality to gain power over others and ultimately – it backfired on me. I then proceeded to take zero responsibility for my part in the situation, blaming the other person and further disempowering myself. I’m not saying that “I deserved it” either, and this is not about shaming anyone who experiences sexual abuse. There are victims in the circumstances, and it’s important to recognize when we have been betrayed so we can process those experiences fully. But this is about owning my part in every lesson and seeing which part of it was mychoice – because this is the part that I can change.
I had never caused more pain to myself, or felt more pain from my ‘sisters’, than when the toxic feminine patterns of relating showed up in our connection. Nothing has hurt me more in this life than the toxic feminine, and because I used these dark lessons for deeper healing, nothing has also healed me more than the toxic feminine.
There is nothing wrongwith discovering these expressions in yourself or in other people, in fact, the purpose of identifying these patterns is to bring them out into the open for healing. Waking up is to make the darkness conscious and to not be afraid of any expression of our self by bringing them out into the open. What we don’t recognize within our own self will end up causing havoc in our lives from our unconscious.
The toxic feminine is a broad collective wound that took thousands of years to implant**, and I imagine it will take some time to reprogram. So, this shadow is one that I have to check myself on as a continuous practice. What are the intentions behind my actions? How authentic can I be? Am I trying to hide something from the people I care about? Am I trying to manipulate my image and is that serving me in developing intimacy with those around me? Do I consider all others involved in a situation or do I act from a self-serving space? What are the parts of myself that I hide to appeal to other people? What is it that I am so afraid of?
The most dangerous thing about the toxic feminine is that we empower her further by denying her existence. What we don’t own, owns us. Her secret power exists within this ignorance, and this denial is created by our fear of the dark feminine. The toxic masculine and toxic feminine dance in their ways of toxic relating and carry us into our future until we choose to address the issue in full humility by bringing the shadows to light. When we shine our light on these aspects of ourselves, we have the opportunity to rewire ourselves into a new way of being.
When we try to skip steps in addressing our shadows by making ourselves act a certain way through creating social masks without first discussing what is hidden in the deep somatic regions of the body and what is really alive in us by facing our traumas and ancient fear programming we end up creating disembodiedexperiences. We can even present this “perfect mask” to others by emulating the qualities that we would love to embody, but underneath the surface of appearances there will be an energy that doesn’t completely match our words; because our “mask” isn’t an accurate representation of where we truly are at. In fact, we are often strangers to ourselves when we haven’t gone deep enough into this physical experience to discover the pain, the suffering, and the deep trauma that is there. We skim the surface of our lives while the prisoner that’s trapped inside of us runs the show.
In this way, our denial of the toxic feminine and trying to create identities as ‘feminists’ or show up as the ‘divine feminine’ beforewe address these traumatized, scared, disowned parts of ourselves is what is in the way of us truly embodying our highest feminine power. The only way that we can take off our mask is if we develop a relationship with this vulnerable space within ourselves that has nothing to hide. It just wants to be seen, loved, and held by the light of our own awareness.
The toxic feminine is an ancient pattern. The masculine and feminine have both abused their creative power and their sexual energy for thousands of years by turning this planet into something more like a prison; the feminine had to become more sophisticated in her techniques as a survival mechanism and men being the more easy-to-spot tyrants.
“Have women had a raw deal compared to men? Yes. Are they generally less violent than men? Yes. But are all women the same? No. Are women capable of causing destruction, including for other women? Yes – and that is toxic femininity for you.” Asavari Singh
Make no mistake, the draconian/reptilian** nature of the toxic masculine and toxic feminine patterns that “rule” this earth right now bothneed to be uprooted before we can shine in our natural divine light. Each side serves this agenda in their own way.
Both sides of the toxic masculine/feminine have to be addressed in how they express themselves within us and our own lives because we have to empower ourselves by taking fullself-responsibility and noticing how we are all complicit in this game in some way. We are a collective field of toxic relating that needs to be rewritten.
I say webecause I mean US, you, me, and everyone who is reading this. This also means both men and women, who both have the feminine essence within themselves. Ultimately, these traits know no gender.There is no shame for noticing when these behaviours show up in your life, as we all have this reptilian brain (which frequently is overly activated) with its survival mechanisms and fearful nature. When we are in fight or flight; this is when we know the toxic masculine/toxic feminine frequencies are most likely ready to come out and play.
Only when we are willing to look into these shadows that have hijacked humanity for eons with courage and humility can we become our forgotten divine template — as the true divine feminine and masculine merge together as ONE; uniting and balancing each other in its fullest expression of the Union with Heaven and Earth and All it is.
Remember what you are. Remember why you came here.
Real power is internal and eternal. As we reclaim our divinity, we will feel no need to seek power over others, as we will see this isn’t a form of power at all. And many men and women in their toxic masculine/feminine resort to this because they cannot recognize their own power.
You are already powerful. Claim what is your birthright by connecting with actual power, which is held within the arms of our connection with divinity: a relationship that has been lost, but not forgotten.
You are sacred. You are sovereign. You are free.
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