Piercing the Veil of Reality
How To Avoid The Trap Of Isolation
A Personal Story
In my experience, there is a difference between conscious solitude and natural withdrawal from the consensus state of humanity to engage in esoteric work with the aspiration to the Divine and mechanical isolation based on unconscious trauma responses.
I’ve seen people fall into the trap of spiritual bypassing and isolation based on childhood wounding and trauma they never faced [or are not even aware of] and then “abuse” spiritual teachings to justify their isolation and anti-social behavior using it as an excuse why they can’t engage socially at all, can’t find anybody to relate to, etc., and hence overestimate their level of “being”….or mistaking the fake desire-soul [as Sri Aurobindo called the “charlatan within” ] for the real soul.
I’ve also seen people complain that they can’t find friends or a partner, but they also don’t make any effort or use willpower to get out of their comfort zone to sincerely connect with others and not just on social media. Sometimes you gotta push through the inertia and discomfort. Deep psycho-spiritual work also requires the Will for many unconscious defense mechanisms, and excuses will come up not to do it.
In retrospect, I can see it in myself too. Being naturally very introverted and sensitive to other people’s energies, I usually don’t like being around people, crowds, or cities. But I’ve also seen that some of this reluctance in the past was based on childhood wounding and trauma [including past life trauma] – my wounded inner child being afraid to be rejected and hurt again, getting into a “freeze” response which kept me in my comfort zone and alone.
I also had to work on my triggers and projections and apply shadow work continuously since “normal” people were so triggering, and I judged them a lot, falling into the trap of superiority. It was unconscious, and so I lied to myself that I’m just more “spiritual,” “awake,” or more “introvert” than others and can’t relate to their way of living. So, some of my introvert-ness was an unconscious trauma response resulting in more unhealthy isolation.
I had to re-parent my inner child using various somatic trauma modalities that helped me to connect to Self/Essence, which also included facing deeply internalized shame and guilt, which was the hardest and most painful to process since it was buried deep in my unconscious and masked up by a lot of defenses and armor.
But essentially, this psycho-somatic process helped me to lay down the foundation to engage in more “advanced” esoteric teachings like Integral Yoga.
Having said that, there is a natural withdrawal from exterior life when engaging in deeper esoteric work. It’s reflected in all the esoteric traditions, and relationships do change. You can also relate to and engage with way fewer people, but it is not met with frustration, complaint, or superiority. You don’t feel annoyed or get into self-pity because you “can’t relate.” It doesn’t bother you one single bit, for you have found the kingdom within.
In my experience, when I am in Essence, or the psychic being (soul) makes its appearance within, I can be anywhere and around anyone in any crowd without getting thrown off, and I “see” the Divine’s play in all and everything with equanimity no matter how crude or distorted it may be. It’s not a philosophical, intellectual impression but a direct experience. There are glimpses of that, but I’m still far from a full conscious connection at all times, to say the least, let alone full integration.
I still get dragged down again into the mud of the unconscious, battling demons within and without, projecting my shadow, getting triggered, feeling utterly alone, with cycles of dark nights of the soul as the ascent and descent widens, bringing up more shadow material to be transmuted and integrated.
Most often, all I have to cling to is Faith in the darkest moments while feeling completely alone as if God has forsaken me; even suicidal thoughts and suggestions come in when I’m lost in internalized shame & guilt when the hostile forces attack at full force to spoil the sadhana trying to drag me even further into the mud and darkness in their hopes to give in to the dark side.
But the only way out is in and through, and in those moments, I’m reminded again by Sri Aurobindo’s words:” None can reach heaven who has not passed through hell” or in Carl Jung’s words: “The tree that reaches to heaven must have its roots in hell.”
In those moments, prayer works, and in my experiences, if done sincerely without bargaining, the Divine always answers, helps, and gives guidance, but most often not in the ways I expected it or the little i [ego] want it to be. There is always a lesson to be learned, and humility is key, for God knows better than “I.”
Once I pass through one of these inner hells, I always come out stronger, wiser, more integrated, more whole, and more embodied, as if another mountain has been conquered. Many more to go…
I’m also graced to have a partner who is engaged in the same work [with different lessons for each of us], so our relationship becomes the sadhana, and we can give each other mirrors to become aware of our blind spots, including all the [necessary] triggers that only happen in a relationship to help integrate the Shadow and bring us closer to God.
But we both know that the relationship with the Divine is the most important relationship. More than any other relationship.
Know that you are never truly alone. Just learn to know the difference where loneliness is of your own [self-defeating] making due to trauma or if it is true solitude as you are connected to all that it is.
Suggestion: Do something today that gets you out of your “loneliness” comfort zone.
With the indwelling Presence, One is never “alone”. The Presence permeates all and everything. That is the essence of Namaste and the recognition of the Oneness. We are all playing our roles in this MicroCosmic Cartoon Show. Play them fully to enrich this 3D reality.